Badass heroes and heroines need badass weapons. It’s as simple as that. Some action badasses are synonymous with their weapon of choice. Some are literally part of them. Others are attachments, sidearms, or even entire suits that look good and kill even better. The connecting factor is standing out from the routine weapons or stupid ideas that other action heroes have to suffer through. The best ones make a movie better. The worst ones often open up plotholes and logic cul de sacs that take their entire movie down with them. Bring the right badass blade to a gunfight and you can still win. Bring the goofiest gun to a fist-fight and you’ll end up with blown-off fingers and a ruined flick.
To that end, here are the best of the best weapons that have graced our action fiestas. Just to highlight how good those ones are, here also are the worst, most impractical, and outright ‘wrongest’ weapons ever as well. It missed the list, but shoutout to John Wick for his use of pencils. Best thing done with a pencil since that 3rd Grade English essay about squirrels.
Best: Wolverine - Adamantium Claws
The evidence for these is almost as high as the severed limb pile they’ve caused. More than one martial arts master tells his students to make the weapon ‘a part of themselves’ and Logan’s retractable claws pass that test all day. Not only are they virtually indestructible, impossibly cool looking, and can double as both fork and knife at the dinner table, the fact they can also be hidden on command makes them ultimate stealth options as well. We should only be so lucky to ever get our bones glazed in awesomesauce as Logan did. Even then we’d not have these Snikt-tastic scissor-hands on call. Edward must be jealous.
Worst: Rebel Forces: MG-100 StarFortress SF-17
Every time you watch this opening scene from The Last Jedi something else about these cumbersome, plodding, impractical Pez-dispensers makes even less sense. Apparently, they’re useless until Poe clears the way of turrets, so there’s your first warning bell. Then they’re picked off with consummate ease by Tie-Fighters before they get the chance to do what they’re (badly) designed to do, and that’s strike two. Rebel Forces surely have a premium on pilots and bombardiers but they’re all squandered by a bogus plan and these horridly designed floating coffins, trapping valuable personnel in a worthless suicide pact. Strike three! Unless the entire First Order fleet was sleeping these things are the worst designed spaceships in film history. Any self-respecting Star Wars fan who played Rogue Squadron knows you get out your Y-Wings for bombing runs anyway and retire these junkers on principle alone.
Best: T-1000 - Knives, Stabbing Weapons
As crazy cool as the T-1000 was back when this film released, there’s always a nagging feeling that it could’ve been even more dangerous with a little creativity. Still, as things stand the T-1000 was itself a most versatile, agile weapon that deserves its place on this list.
Between instantaneous extra feet of skewering spikes, hooked bars used to clamber on taxis and open elevator doors, and generally being a shapeshifting menace, it’s never really been topped by other Terminators.
Worst: Doom Sarge: BioForceGun
Definitely differentiating it from the game’s classic Doom BFG because it’s a pale, insulting imitation. When it comes to movie weapons the ‘BFG’ was among the most anticipated things ever. It was almost the entire point of having the movie made in the first place! So when Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson wields this “namesake” and the most damage it gets done is destroying a toilet stall, you know things went sideways. Between slow charge times and sputtering to death after only two shots, this waste of whatever ‘BioForce’ is can get in the bin!
Best: Ripley - Power Loader
Sometimes the best weapons weren’t ever meant to be weapons at all! The Alien sequel introduces this heavy-metal helper early on and pays it off massively. When essentially a funky forklift takes out something that massacred an entire marine squad, you put that thing into mass military production. Clearly, there’s something special about this one design as well, as it’s had pretenders in Matrix: Revolutions and Avatar that pale in comparison to its yellow yeeting prowess. Perhaps it comes down to the awesome pilot since Ripley undoubtedly multiplied the Loader’s badass levels with her own.
Worst: Captain Boomerang: Boomerang
Harley, you got off easy here! Only because there’s an even less effective weapon than bringing a baseball bat to a fight with silly-putty supernatural forces. A freakin’ Boomerang!? Suicide Squad was supposed to be the DCU counter to Guardians of the Galaxy but with nonsensical matchups like this, it never stood a chance.
Among a team that shouldn’t have existed this weapon still has no place. The Cap’n would’ve had more luck throwing one of his pink unicorns at The Sorceress.
Best: Deadly Viper Assassination Squad: Hattori Hanzo Swords
Swords are quintessentially cool so when you give them a lore and importance upgrade and hand them to a badass assassination squad, things are off the chart cool. Somehow top that with a ‘one last project’, ‘finest blade I ever made’ cherry, and no other blade will ever suffice. So, classic Quentin Tarantino formula applied to swords. Watching Uma Thurman’s Bride/Beatrix Kiddo venture for revenge with one of these in tow made her instantly awesome. A sword among swords, an assassin of assassins, make it the coolest among a very cool weapon type.
Worst: MiB: Noisy Cricket
A gag weapon that is almost certainly going to do more damage to the wielder than any enemy it’s pointed at. Considering you need to be stood firm against a brick wall, tethered and braced, to not be thrown backward every time it fires makes it stupid to begin with.
As the movie goes on it reveals that other guns in the MIB arsenal match it in firepower anyway, so it’s not just impractical but also pointless to have in an arsenal. Top it off that it looks ridiculous as well as having such a huge trigger guard you could fire it accidentally in your pocket and there’s no point for this thing to ever have been mass manufactured.
Best: Zorg: Z-F1/Judges: LawGiver MK II
The guns that give you more bang for your buck. In The Fifth Element, Zorg’s Z-F1 has so many offensive capabilities that you’d never need another weapon as long as you live. From a flamethrower, net launcher, explosive or poisonous arrows, to a frosty ‘Ice Cube System’ and still more, it’s the swiss army knife of guns. Similarly, in Mega-City One the Judges have their Lawgiver sidearms that have a slew of inventive badassery packed into the deal as well. Specifically, the Mark II upgrade has enough tools to deal with any and all situations a Judge may come up against. There’s even an exorcism attachment for the PSI Division cops who need it. That’s versatile projectile firepower! If you had the arms to carry both of these guns akimbo, you’d be the most dangerous dude on any planet!
Worst: Odd Job: Steel-Rimmed Bowler Hat
To paraphrase Austin Powers, ‘who throws a hat? Honestly?!’. James Bond movies have a history of silly henchmen weapons, but this is even sillier than having your entire jaw dipped in metal. It’s not even the best type of hat, from an aerodynamic perspective. Any hit Oddjob ever scored with this was pure movie magic because this thing would flop to the ground uselessly 10/10 times. Combine that with needing to somehow get a good spin on the thing combined with needed accuracy and you should never take this seriously. The effort to use what must be an extensive collection of replacement hats becomes ridiculous when you could get the same level of lethality with a thrown paper plane hoping to inflict papercuts. Importantly, this is not a fashion criticism, ‘cause a good Bowler is a dapper head accessory, no doubt. Just don’t throw it hoping for anything resembling a win.
